My Hero

I know there are so many things to be thankful for.......I came here to re-read my list of Things To Be Thankful For.....but I'm finding it hard to concentrate.

We had to make a rough decision this week about Brayden. He is no longer fitting into our stroller. I know.........he's 10 for heaven sakes. He SHOULDN'T be fitting into his stroller. We've been pretty lucky in an odd way that he is so small. It makes it easier to care for him, carry him, hold him down when he doesn't want to take his medicine or brush his teeth, etc. But we had to make the decision of what to do now that he still doesn't have the stamina to walk long distances AND he doesn't fit the stroller.

So..seeing that we can't carry him all over the Festival of Trees, Disneyland, walks around the neighborhood, Hogle Zoo, Living Planet Aquarium or anywhere else that takes anything more than a short walk, we had to make the decision to buy a wheelchair for him. Just what every little boy wants right?

I know it probably sounds small and silly. I admit that in a way, it feels small and silly. But in a way it feels horrible and dark. It only serves to remind me of the things that he CAN'T do. I know. There are so many things he CAN do. I shouldn't focus on the negative. And I honestly try not to. But there are some moments, some decisions, some circumstances that kind of throw the negative in my face.

I know he is a perfect spirit. I know that with my whole heart. I know that he is a member of our family as a blessing for us. I know that the Celestial Kingdom will be his reward for living this life in a way that only he can. I know that he will ALWAYS be my hero. I know that he will touch more lives than I can even imagine.

But....I also know that, in this life, I won't hear him call me mom. I won't see him go on a mission. I won't meet his wife and watch them have babies together. I will be taking care of him as long as I can. I might always have him living with me. I HOPE I always have him living with me. It would kill me to have to send him to live somewhere else. That's why we're lucky that he is small. The bigger he gets, the harder it is for us to take care of him. I know that I have to plan for his future in a different way. If he outlives Earl and I, we have to know who will be taking care of him.

Sometimes I find myself mourning for him. For seeing him with his Primary class and truly realizing that he has Special Needs. Sometimes I can ignore it if I just see him at home. Seeing him with his peers, even those peers in his special class at school, forces me to recognize that he really is different. That there really are things that he won't be doing in this life.

Don't get me wrong. I love him. I can't tell you how much he blesses my life every day. I am truly lucky. He is here. For me to hug and kiss even if he doesn't like it. Even if he doesn't hug or kiss me. I have seen so many people I love experience loss. I would not trade my circumstances for theirs. Ever.

Just some days..............some days are hard. I never thought I would be picking a wheelchair for my 10 year old. Wondering if he will ever be potty trained. Wishing I could hear his voice.

But I do love him. Wouldn't trade him for anything. He will ALWAYS be my hero.